The Princess Bride Sorta
by Mordecai-The-Meek
Summary: Young Sirius's Uncle Alphard reads a muggle book that's got everything! Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles! Also, light RHr. A revamped Ch.2 and new Ch.3 up.
1. Once Upon A Time

**THE PRINCESS BRIDE **

**As preformed by the cast of _'Harry Potter'_**

**Directed by Tokemi** (Who does not in any way, shape, or form, own, or claim to own _'Harry_ _Potter'_ or _'The_ _Princess_ _Bride'_)

**PART I**

8 YEAR OLD SIRIUS BLACK was sitting 'quietly' in bed, trying to decide which Bertie Bott's Beans he wanted to eat and which he wanted to slip to his little brother, Regulus, who had finked on him for running about with the flu anyway. As they were both small boys, the concept of 'gross' was much more interesting than usual.

The opening door interrupted this activity, revealing a rather sour looking woman. Distracted from his search for the ever-elusive Booger Flavored Bean, Sirius looked up. "Yes, Mother?" He intoned dully.

A slight sniff. "Your Uncle Alphard has come to visit you while you are sick." Though the Blacks tended to flaunt the superiority of their excellent magical abilities, Sirius and Regulus were rarely given medicinal potions. Father believed being suffering through sickness strengthened one. Thus, relatives came to visit (lecture) them often, being bed-ridden and all. Uncle Alphard was actually one of the better ones, but...

"Mother! He _always_ pinches my cheeks!" This was grumbling, but-- who wanted their cheeks pinched?

Mother's mouth pursed a little harder. "Sirius, you must be respectful to your elders." This phrase had a very repetitive ring to it.

"Though, hopefully he will not linger long." She murmured to herself. Mrs. Black did not like her husband's brother very much. He always seemed the type to do something rash...like leave a load of gold to Sirius to finance her eldest son's future runaway. Shaking away such trivial thoughts, she swept out, leaving the doorway open for Alphard.

The man was old -- sixty! Sixty! That was **ten times** as old as Regulus!-- and he smelled like old too, Sirius noticed as he pulled up a chair. Dressed in dull brown robes and wrinkles, there was nothing too exciting about Uncle Alphard.

He pinched Sirius's cheek.

"Well, my poor, poor bed-ridden nephew--" Said nephew resisted rolling his eyes. "-- I've got a little surprise for the patient."

Curious, the hands rearranging the Beans stilled.

"Yes, this book-"

A _book_? That was _it_? How cheap!

"-who read it to me. And now I'm reading it to you. Sound like fun, eh?" The old man winked, apparently quite oblivious to the child's painful embarrassment.

"...What's it got in it?" Sirius squirmed petulantly...maybe he could feign a fevered sleep?

"Oh, everything, lad! Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles!"

Watching the shine in his uncle's eyes warily-- **nothing** was as embarrassing as an overexcited grown-up-- Sirius asked, "Are there any Wizard's Duels and stuff?"

"No, actually. It's, uh, it's really a muggle book. Please don't tell your mother."

A muggle book? Mother would have **_kittens_**!

Trying to feign disinterest, the child drawled, "Well, okay." In his best 'if you feel you must' tone.

"Thank you, your vote of confidence is overwhelming." Uncle Alphard bit, his Black temper(1) showing through. "He-hem"

**OoOoO**

_"The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Hermione was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin."_

A lovely, quaint, Engli- er, Florin farm appears. We see a bushy-haired girl sitting on a well, reading a thick leather-bound with the words "THEORIES OF GREAT ARITHMANCERS THROUGHOUT THE AGES" stamped on the spine.

_"Her favorite pastimes were studying and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Ron, but she never called him that."_

A tall, redhead slugs past the girl, hauling buckets of water from the well. He doesn't look too enthusiastic.

**OoOoO**

"Isn't that a wonderful beginning?"

"Um ...yeah, Uncle Alphard."

**OoOoO**

_"Nothing gave Hermione as much pleasure as ordering Ron around."_

Hermione and Ron are standing in front of a large bookshelf that takes up more than half the cottage.

"Farm Boy," said the bossy girl, "Re-alphabetize my books. I want them lined up according to author by morning."

"As. You. Wish." Ground out the irritated redhead.

_" 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."_

Hermione walks up and dumps a pile of recently-bought books into Ron's arms.

"Farm Boy, put these away...please."

"As you wish..." For a Weasley, Ron was actually doing a formidable job of hiding all his irritation. Ears aside, of course.

She walks away, looking stunned, thinking furiously.

_"That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.'"_

Ron walks in the cottage, covered with snow.

_"And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."_

Hermione points to a surprisingly light book just above her. "Farm Boy, fetch me that book."

He reaches up slowly, eyes locking with hers, ears rivaling the hearth fire. "As you wish..."

It is suddenly spring and the two are kissing outside the cottage. Ron's sigh of relief at the lack of anymore romantic tension blows through the scene, ruffling the plant life.

**OoOoO**

"Wait! I thought this was sports, and giants and..."

"Obviously, boy, you missed the part about 'true love.'"

Sirius's eyes widened in obvious terror. "This isn't a kissing book is it?"

Alphard refused to even dignify that with a response.

**OoOoO**

_"Ron had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea."_

Ron and Hermione are standing at the gate, looking a bit awkward.

_"It was a very emotional time for Hermione" _

_"Ugh." _

_"Shh."_

The teary-eyed heroine suddenly flung herself at the farmhand. "Ronald Weasley, if you don't come back I'll...I'll kill you myself!"

"Don't worry, I'll come back." Ron looked distinctly uncomfortable, and made a few gangly pats at his girlfriend's back.

"How can you be sure?" Hermione cried fiercely.

"True love?" said Ron, falling back on a plot device.

"How can you be sure?" Though skeptical, she seemed comforted slightly by this.

Obviously deciding to stick to what worked, the redhead replied, "This is true love. You think this happens every day?"

Silly as it sounded, the kiss he got reassured him it was the right thing to say.

_"Ron didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Hermione got the news that Ron was murdered-" _

_"Murdered by pirates is better!" _

_"-she went in her room and shut the door. And for days she neither slept nor ate."_

Hermione sits quietly on her bed. Her books lie untouched, unable to help her now.

**OoOoO**

**1)-** Hey, that's an unintentional pun! ...Don't shoot, it's late, I'm tired, OK?

**A/N-** Whee! I know it's been done, but hopefully my take will be a little different. If it's any consolation I came up with the idea myself, then checked if anyone else had done it. Now that the serious part's over it's going to get much sillier... Well, it's late and I probably shouldn't post this now but whatever. Please excuse any odd paragraph spacing, QuickEdit is hating my paragraph seperations.

**Remember, Reviews are required** _(Ok, not really)_ **and criticism is craved!**


	2. And Far Far Away

**THE PRINCESS BRIDE **

**As preformed by the cast of _'Harry Potter'_ **

**Directed by Tokemi** (Who does not in any way, shape, or form, own, or claim to own _'Harry Potter'_ or _'The Princess Bride'_)

**PART II**

_"FIVE YEARS LATER, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Draco's bride-to be."_

The square was packed with plebeians; farmers, merchants, mothers and their babies, children, and even the lowliest beggars. The nobility lounged around the wall area, while the royal family sat high on the dais that overlooked the mob.

Toward the back of the dais, in the right-hand throne was a man ancient, and good-natured (And also considered to be a bit barmy), with a beard he could tuck into his belt. King Albus's eyes twinkled merrily. Next to him was his wife looked sharp and stern, with her bun even stricter than usual. Queen Minerva was less much less enthused with the speech giver, her son.

And Prince Draco, the said son, was standing at the pulpit looking madly smug, while his overlarge bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, lurked in the shadows like particularly stupid pitbulls.

He cleared his throat and flipped back his blonde hair, and waited until every eye was on him before the Prince began his speech. "My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves--" The smirk in his voice as he said commoner was practically tangible, and growing thicker. "-- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"

The peasants cheered lustily, and were answered by a figure slowly making her way down the carpet.

"My people ... the Princess Hermione!" sneered the Prince.

Hermione was resplendent in a gown of delicate, floaty, periwinkle material. Her hair shimmered softly with large amounts of Sleakeazy's Hair Potion. Her smile looked a little fake, but that was lost in the mob's general enthusiasm.

The crowd fell to its knees as the new royalty passed and for a moment Hermione looked as though she'd love nothing better than to run away and sob.

_"Hermione's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Draco the right to choose his bride, she did not love him."_

Hermione rides through the woods, clinging awkwardly to her horse, which has a stack of books strapped to it.

_"Despite Draco's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily study."_

Getting any reading done in the castle had proved to be impossible. Not even Hermione could study with maids, huntsmen, courtiers, and a murderous Lady Parkinson (who he had been courting until a rather blustery day had whipped off her hat and proved her quite bald) swarming around.

Thus the rather annoyed bookworm was forced to sneak out to the woods if she wanted to translate any Ancient Ruins. Her less than superb horse riding skills did not help matters.

It did not worry her too much today though, as she was contemplating larger things. Was it all right to marry without love? Without even like?

For she held not even the smallest measurement of respect or affection for the Prince. She rarely saw him, as he spent most times at hunting and her at 'princess lessons'. But she didn't think this was the problem, because even when he _did_ see her, she felt...actually she felt he was a rather foul human being, and his Dogs (what she'd privately begun to call Crabbe and Goyle) were far worse.

Which brought up the second question- Was she still able to back out? After the Announcement she didn't think so. The way the people had looked and acted as she walked through the throng **(1)** had left her feeling responsible, slightly guilty, and warm in a way she hadn't felt since Ron had died. (This was not much but it was better than nothing.)

Also she had given her word, granted though, the Prince had promised an extremely uncomfortable death otherwise...

"Lady! A word?"

Distracted from her inner musings, Hermione managed to reign in a sigh and turned her horse. Honestly, if the nobility was going to follow her out here they _better_ have something to say.

But the three figures that met her eyes couldn't have looked less like blue- bloods if they tried.

The leader of the trio was a man, tall and fragile looking, tan-skinned with sharp eyes and brown hair (A Slytherin?).**(2)**

Behind him was a giant of towering proportions, with a wildly overgrown black beard, and equally black eyes. Directly behind him was a monstrous black boarhound, huge enough to look comfortably sized by his master.

A pale, thin man with a sword stood in the mammoth's oversized shadow. He had a cat's green eyes, with a thin, jagged scar running down his forehead and hair that looked like it ate the last comb it came in contact with.

"We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?" the Slytherin asked kindly.

Hermione sighed in exasperation. "There is nothing nearby; not for miles."

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream."

A cool smirk stole over the brittle man's face as his giant reached out and stole her chance to cry out before the theory could be tested.

He picked up the unconscious young woman and laid her across her horse. The swordsman looked questioningly at his leader, who merely set off toward the villains' boat.

**OoOoO **

His friend, the swordsman, scrambled over the ship, preparing it for launch, but the giant, his arms filled with the princess, was more interested in what the mastermind was doing.

The Slytherin ignored the giant's curiosity and continued pulling apart the garment in his hands.

Seeing his friend's preoccupation, the boy called out "What's that your ripping Zabini?"

"It is fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Guilder."

"Who's Guilder?" inquired the giant (he did not travel much).

The educated man pointed out toward the horizon. In a pained tone he said, "_Hagrid_ (for that was the man's name).The country across the _sea_. The _sworn enemy_ of Florin." Irritably he slapped the horse, sending the frightened beast running with the fabric wedged firmly in his tack.

"Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed." Blaise continued.

"You never said nothin' 'bout killin nobody!"**(3)** Hagrid looked alarmed and slightly ill about this.

Blaise hopped aboard the boat. "I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition." He sighed, his voice once again tinged with exasperation. He hated working with imbeciles.

His body was weak, and he had known since youth it could never conquer worlds. So as his peers ran and played and worked, Blaise studied and slaved, taking his mind, filling it, training it, bringing it to heel. He was one of the greatest geniuses in the world, topped only by such as Confucius. His mind was near invincible, but his body was weak, and he loathed the hirelings he so depended on. His rather short temper was forever worn thin in irritation at their own small horizons.

This did not help matters much.

"I jus' don' think it's right killin' an innocent girl." Hagrid mused, peering thoughtfully at the unconscious teenager.

Blaise exploded. "Am I going mad or did the word '_think'_ escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!"

"I agree with Hagrid." Piped the swordsman.

Blaise truly lost it, and whirled to face the two. "Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her--" he began stalking toward the impassive man. "And remember this -- never forget this--" he was just inches away from the boy's face. "-- when I found you, you were so **slobbering drunk** you couldn't buy _brandy_--"

He whirled on Hagrid, who looked a good deal more upset than his friend. "And you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, _hopeless_ -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland?"

Finished shrieking Zambini stalked off, muttering something about 'good help these days.'

"And you can't keep that mutt either!" he hurled over his shoulder.

"_Fang_?" whimpered the giant.

'Oh ye gods, he's named it.' Blaise was not going to allow this to turn into another Norbert. The stupid oaf had intercepted an illegal dragon egg, hatched, hid it with the help of his swordsman, Harry, and _who_ got the bite? _Who's_ hand turned swollen and green? Not one of _theirs_, oh no.

At least this dog only had one head— Fluffy was another well-forgotten memory.

"Turn it **loose** or I will toss it **overboard**."

Once the head conspirator was out of earshot, Harry leaned over to the distraught giant and murmured, "That Zabini, he can **_fuss_**."

He looked pointedly at the huge man.

"...fuss...fuss... I thinks 'e likes to scream a' us."

"Probably he means no harm."

"'e's really very short on charm."

"You've got a great gift for rhyme." Harry commented to the smiling giant.

"Yeah, some o' th' time."

Annoyed, Blaise called "Enough of that."

Cheerfully ignoring his leader, Harry asked, "Are there rocks ahead?"

"If there are, we'll all be dead!"

"No more rhymes now, I mean it!" ground out the Slytherin.

"Anybody wan' a peanut?"

"Agggh!"

**OoOoO**

**1)-** Remember Reading Reviewers; Always Avoid Alliteration

**2)-** Thank you, Blaise Zabini, genderless, soulless, character for all occasions.

**3)-** The authoress takes this note to make the following official disclaimer: '_I am not responsible for annoyance, frustration, and abuse, physical or otherwise brought on by my horrid accents.' _

**REVIEWS **

**Kaylyn- **Whee! My first review. Sankou for pointing that out, I blame it on the fact it was 3 A.M. at the time.

**Kerichi-** Sirius makes a good boy. petpetpet

**VietNaMaEnglish-** BLUSH Thank you!

**Bella-** Both your reviews are lovely, this chapter should help flesh it out more.

**MirkWoodMage**- You hit me in a spot I was already guilty about, so this chapter's revamping is dedicated to you!

**A/N:** Yay! Second chapter done. I don't like it as much as the first, but whatever. It's still a lot of fun. I'll try to change more of the dialogue next chapter too. I'll probably post it in my live journal (AliceDear) before it gets all edited and posted here.

**WARNING:** My IE Explorer is 'corrupted' and I can't access MSN. And that means I have to use IE, which is swarmed with pop-ups, that can't be closed out of without closing the whole explorer. Apparently crashing my computer is the only way to fix this **(Can anyone tell me otherwise!?!),** so updates will be a little slower. But just a little! (I hope.)


	3. There lived a Princess

**THE PRINCESS BRIDE **

**As preformed by the cast of _'Harry Potter'_ **

**Directed by Tokemi** (Who does not in any way, shape, or form, own, or claim to own _'Harry Potter'_ or _'The Princess Bride'_)

**Part III**

The water lapped at the sides of a small vessel sailing the strait between the countries of Guilder and Florence. The crew was diminutive, even for the boats' size- there were only four people on the ship, and only three in a state of consciousness. A thin man who looked to be from the country of Slytherin sat quietly, lost in thought. A wild looking giant easily dwarfed the cabin to that he leaned against, and a green-eyed man stood at the helm. The fourth passenger on the voyage was a young woman in rich (if rather practical) clothes, and a circlet in her (bushy) hair. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was slightly open in sleep revealing perfectly white (if bucked) teeth. She was lain out, completely uncon—

"I know you're awake, Princess. You can stop pretending." Observed the Slytherin coldly. Princess Hermione sat up, looking rather indignant at being caught out. Zabini smirked at her, continuing, "It doesn't really matter anyway. We'll be a the Cliffs of Insanity by dawn, and there you will die."

Hermione did not care much (or at all in fact) for her fiancé, but even as a peasant she'd heard of his abilities in hunting and tracking. Giving her captor a rather bossy look—she wasn't as far as 'haughty glances' in her princess lessons yet— she began to enlighten him. "Prince Draco can hunt anything and anyone, anywhere, he's never failed to meet a challenge, and when he catches you, and he will catch you, you will all be preparing for _your _dawn execution!" Her cheeks were pink with fervor. At least there was one useful thing about the prince— though if he weren't forcing her to marry him she wouldn't be in this bloody mess in the first place.

A knife at her throat rather quelled her confident manner. "Of all the necks on this boat," Zabini hissed, "yours would be the one I'd be worrying about… And why one earth do you keep looking back you fool! You're at the helm, you're guiding the ship, you don't need to be gawping at the back of the boat!" he whirled on the swordsman.

Harry blinked. "I'm looking to see if anyone's following us."

"Following us? Inconceivable! As I _just_ finished explaining to the Princess, we are nearly through with this business, so you can relax and leave the thinking to m-"

"Are you sure no one's following us?" Harry's inquiry had the terrific effect of causing the entire left side of Zabini's face to spasm madly.

"OF COURSE NOT!" he shrieked, "No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast! My plan is flawless, utterly perfect, and there is no chance of anything going wrong! Why would you even think something like that?"

Giving his exclamation-point spouting boss a sullen glance, Harry snapped, "Oh, no reason, just because I looked back and something was there!"

"What!" Every head on the ship was suddenly turned to the end of the ship, as if blown in that direction by a powerful wind. The clouds shifted and a shaft of moonlight revealed that there was indeed another ship behind them. "…It's no one. Just a pass-byer, a fisherman probably." Muttered Zambini feebly.

"Yeah." Chimed in the giant, looking effortlessly over the cabin roof. "Ou' for a pleasure cruise. A' nigh'…in eel infested waters…wi' black sails." In the silence that met this infallible logic the splash of Hermione diving into the salty water was easily heard.

Zabini reacted swiftly. "Quick, go in after her!" her ordered his hirelings.

Harry shook his head. "I never learned how to swim."

"I on'y dog-paddle" Hagrid explained, demonstrating with his hands. Zabini scowled. He himself was too weak to face the current and bring the wench back. Gathering his courage he stepped to the edge of the boat, and then taking his knife he made a small slit in the palm. The Slytherin allowed the blood to pool in his cupped hand before flinging it out in the Princess's direction. This act was quickly followed by an eerie shrieking sound.**(1)**

Hermione came to a halt, treading the black water. Zabini called down to her. "Do you know what that sound is? It's the Shrieking Eels…they're known for feeding on human flesh, drawn by the scent of fresh blood. Swim back to ship, and we can at least offer you a painless death. I doubt the eels will be as pleasant."

The princess hesitated; the shrieking grew louder and an eel suddenly lunged from the water next to her. The usually stout girl could not help letting out a scream of terror as the eel—

"The eels don't get her. She doesn't die now."

**OoOoO**

"What?" Sirius blinked, sounding almost surprised at finding himself in his bed with old Great-Uncle Alphard rather than in the middle of a sea-full of Shreiking Eels.

"Hermione doesn't get eaten by the eels. You were looking worried, I thought I should explain." Said the old man.

"I wasn't worried!" the boy howled indignantly.

"…"

"I **wasn't**."

"…Of course, now where were we—

"'_Do you know what that sound is Princess?' Zabini called down"_

"No, we're past that part!" cried the boy.

Uncle Alphard raised an eyebrow. "You're looking rather upset. Do you want me to stop reading?"

"No…You can keep reading. Since you came all the way out here and stuff." Sirius said hastily.

"Okay," His uncle conceded, "Here we are, Hermione is in the water, the eel lunges, she screams…

**OoOoO**

A heavy lifesaver slammed into the eel, knocking it off course. Hermione, devoid of all other options, grabbed onto the ring as Hagrid pulled her back into the boat where Zabini (his bloody hand wrapped) bound her wrists painfully tight. "Well," He snarled, "do you think that you _proved_ anything? That you are brave?"

Princess Hermione, dripping wet and shivering, looked the Slytherin straight in the eye. "Only compared to some." Zabini raised his hand to strike her, but was interrupted by the swordsman.

"I think he's getting closer." Harry observed, pointing to the mysterious boat, which was now undoubtedly following them. Hagrid cast a rather relieved, if unsettled, glance at young captive.

"He's no concern of yours." Zabini spat. "Sail on."

**OoOoO**

At the helm of the black-sailed ship was a black-dressed man, with a black mask covering his face. The ties to his mask whipped with the wind as the boat flew along. He gazed steadily at the horizon and the conspirators' ship with a determined frown as he sailed onward.

**OoOoO**

**1) **Anyone who thinks this sounds rather…_inconceivable_… has obviously never heard of the Shreiking Eels extraordinary sense of smell. Yeah, that's it.

**Reviews for the second chapter were put up with the re-done second chapter.**

**A/N:** Whee! My first chapter in…forever. Sorry, real life kind of interrupted. But I hope to have a steady update going again. Yay. Kinda short tho'. I know this seems to be following the movie really closely, but by the time R—The Dread Pirate Grindelwald shows up, it should be taking on a definite character.


	4. With a handsome Prince

**THE PRINCESS BRIDE **

**As preformed by the cast of _'Harry Potter'_ **

**Directed by Tokemi** (Who does not in any way, shape, or form, own, or claim to own _'Harry Potter'_ or _'The Princess Bride'_)

**Part IIII**

The black-sailed ship came up carefully behind the vessel it was tailing; caution was important when you happened to be navigating so close to the Cliffs Of Insanity. Such things were named for reasons. But the masked man at the helm didn't appear very worried; In fact he was giving a dangerous amount of his attention to the other ship's occupants.

Two men were readying a rope that had already been anchored at the top of the cliffs for this escape. Beside them was a giant with wild black hair, holding a young woman (who's brown hair was not all that much more manageable) by the arm. The masked man wasn't close enough to make out the ropes themselves, but her posture told him she was bound at the wrists. The man in black had heard the news in a port town a few days ago; the conspirator Blaise Zabini had acquired a fearsome giant and a deadly swordsman to help him capture and kill Princess Hermione; the future bride of Prince Draco of Florin; on Guilder soil, thus beginning a war. Normally the Man wouldn't become involved in political matters, but he felt that he had…a personal stake in this one.

He spent the next minute or so avoiding a collision with the cliff wall; and when he looked back he saw what appeared to be a midair dog-pile. The princess and two smaller conspirators had climbed on the back of the giant, who then began to climb the rope, bearing his load easily. The masked man hurriedly guided his ship a little closer; he needed to make use of that rope as well if he was to get what he was after.

**OoOoO**

One hundred feet of sheer rock wall later the Man was seriously considering reconsidering this whole thing. The Slytherin had been sticking his head over the cliff, waving his arms and pointing at him as he struggled up the rope. This would have been less disturbing if the rope hadn't suddenly started to quiver. They weren't going to— _'Oh no.'_

He clung to the rock wall for dear life as the cut rope slithered loose; the end whapped him on the nose. He wished he could rub it; but as this was generally unadvisable when crawling up a sheer rock wall. So continued on his task, fingers and toes seeking out hand and foot holds as he went. Eventually the Man was close enough he could hear a few snatches of conversation:

"…Inconceivable!"

"You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means."

He got the impression that these were not the most professional of people. He listened with half an ear as he scrabbled up the cliffs. There was more conversation; then Zabini ordered the swordsman (Harry?) to finish the man in black off. The man swore quietly as Zabini and the giant left with the princess. His goal was out of sight once again.

The upward trek was made in silence now except for the man's occasional grunts and oaths. He flicked his eyes to the to of the cliffs- it appeared the swordsman's patience had gotten the better of him and he was now peering down on the man restlessly.

After a few minutes of this Harry called down, "I don't reckon you could go any faster than that could you?"

The man's eyes narrowed…that lazy bugger had **not **just said that

"…Because I could throw down a rope or something if you can't."

The Man stopped and scowled up at him. "What would stop you from cutting it away anyway, huh? I'm not stupid you know."

Harry looked thoughtful. "I could swear on my honor as a swordsman."

"Dunno. The last swordsman I met was trying to kill me and rob my ship." He grunted. A rope _would_ be nice about now, but Harry had gone, though his face occasionally bobbed in and out of view as his patience stretched and, finally, snapped.

"I swear on the graves of my parents, Lily and James Potter that you'll get up the cliffs safely."

The man hesitated, scrutinizing Harry. He generally saw himself as a good judge of character. He didn't seem like a liar but you had to watch people who had two dead parents. Experience had taught him it was better into look into that first.

"Throw me the rope."

Oh well. He'd survived the rope being cut out once hadn't he?

But the scurry to solid ground was surprisingly uneventful; once at the top he'd even been given the opportunity to sit down and empty the rocks from his boots. Really the only thing wrong was the sneaky looks Harry kept angling at him. He broke the ice seconds before he broke the Man's temper. "You wouldn't happen to have red eyes would you?"

The Man gave him a blank stare. He was seriously considering taking this opportunity to back away slowly. Master swordsmen were one thing; the criminally insane another, but he drew the line at a criminally insane master swordsman. He carefully pulled at the eyes of his mask to show his light blue eyes.

"No," he said, "I haven't. I really haven't heard of anyone the sort… is there any particular reason?"

**OoOoO**

**REVIEWS **(and boy are there a lot O.O)

**LauriAnn-** Despite yourself? XD 

**fatsobunny- **I will to post chapters, eventually.

**Ronhermione13-** Umm, thank you? ::is overwhelmed:: But the Miracle Man will be…good. :) I'll try to update sooner as well. 

**always belle- **Definitely a classic movie.

**belanna30- **Thank you!

**crazy-dancer- **Glad ya liked it.

**Starfire Greenleaf-** Thanks…sorry about the lateness. -.-0

**Gia Rai- **Thanks!

**Dragon and the Wildmage aka alex**- Cute. Yes I have read the book, by the way. 

**The Redheaded Duck-** Really? I thought everyone had seen it…at least 'till I tried using Indigo's line in a shish kabob fight. Blank stare city.

**Bronzeh**- O.o Agh, you're right. Last time I trust anything to my memory. Thanks for the point out. 

**Fcp2000-** XD Yes!

**hye em yes- **I'll try… for next time?

**Vbspikergirl9- **Thanks!

**Dumbo-dolly-** Yeah, I just see Harry working the revenge angle much better than the True Love one.

**Ron'sgoddess- **Brilliant? #blushes#

**Devonny Strauss- **Thank you so much!

**A/N:** Funeral-holiday-anotherholiday-finals-writer'sblock equalsa month's delay. -- Sorry. I'll get the conversation I'm stuck on worked out and this kind of lapse won't happen again, but until then take what I've got done. Joyeux Noel et une bonne annee. (Or whatever you're cup of tea is.)


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